hallelujah

i've been gone gone gone. off the maps. off the charts. searching, waiting, getting lost, starting over again. this past year has been a whirlwind. so much has happened. from the decision to leave my home church, to the san diego urban project, to the worship team, to rock harbor, and now a church plant on the horizon. i find myself back here.

i was journaling a couple of days ago about how my relationship with God seems so distant and contrived. i couldn't understand why i felt so alone. i couldn't understand why i didn't feel any different. i thought everything would change when the new year started. i know i prayed for 2010 to be a difficult year so that i could learn to trust Him and be closer to Him. why don't i feel that way? 2011 has started and i feel desperately dissatisfied. i don't like the man that i've been lately. i don't like that i've been impatient, easily flustered, shy, angry, lonely. then i started asking myself. "is this my fault?"

"have i been the one that's been distancing myself from Him, from other people?" and i started realizing that i have been shrinking back from opportunities to dive in deeper with people. i've been shrugging off opportunities to get closer to God. for people, i'm scared of rejection. i'm scared of awkward silences. i'm scared of looking like that christian who always bugs you about your spiritual life. for God, i've been taking Him for granted. i know He's here, so i read a couple of verses in the bible every day and label that as spending my time with God. i don't think reading someone's autobiography every once in a while qualifies as me spending quality time with someone and entering into a deep and meaningful relationship with them. but that's what i've been doing. i've been completely missing out on God and what He wants to do in my life. i've been filling up my time with meaningless junk. i surf the web, watch movies, read gaming news, etc. and i rush through my time with God to do so.

i started asking about where that boy was who was so eager to wake up every morning to spend time with his Father. where is that excitement? where is that enthusiasm to just crack open his Father's love letter to him? i wish i was that boy again. i feel like a cynical old man, doubting everything, forgetting what love is, looking at the downside in everything, no hope, just dread. i hate that. i hate that that's what i've become. even though not a lot of people can see it, i know He sees it. He knows me inside out. He knows that i'm hurting.

and i know that it's definitely spiritual attack that i'm feeling this way. but at the same time, i know i play a part in it as well. i need to be intentional in my relationships with people. i know that's what i used to do. i would drive all the way to someone's house just to spend time with them and let them know that they're on my heart and that i love them. i would ask them how their spiritual lives were and pray over them. i've been turning away those opportunities to mentor and to lead the people that i love because i'm scared of those awkward silences. i'm scared they won't have anything to say. i'm scared i'll look stupid. but as a boy, as that excited kid who just wanted to share his Father's love, i didn't care. i just did it. i was talking to a friend yesterday and realized that i'd rather have people be challenged in their faith and wrestle with hard questions and give me that awkward silence rather than have them skim through life without ever being challenged. i need to get back to that. i just want to get back to being that person who is just so filled up with God's love that i can't contain it any longer. i have to tell someone about it. i have to pour it back into someone else. that's the man that i want to be.

at rock harbor the other night, we were talking about rejoicing. oh, how i have forgotten how to rejoice. not just in the good events, and not even the really bad events, but to give God praise in everything. the little things. in every detail of my life. to not rejoice in the situation, but rejoice that Christ is in the situation. that He is here no matter what. that's a reason to rejoice. remembering that God is good no matter the circumstances. i've forgotten how to do that. i want that again.

and now that i really think about it. praise God! He is so good to me! He's been working on my heart all year! from showing me He was with me when i couldn't feel Him at all at the beginning of this last year. to filling me up as i went to share life with the teenagers and kids down in san diego. to realizing that my relationship with my dad is something that affects me to this day and learning that i have to play an active part in redeeming that along with the Holy Spirit. to learning that it's such a burden and a heavy weight to maintain a facade. it's so much easier when i share my struggles with people and have them help me in it rather than hiding it and being afraid that people find out about the ugly me underneath! things that i couldn't learn on my own! He's been with me all along. hallelujah! He's taught me so many things this past year! so many life lessons. He's given me an amazing community. He's reunited me with my mentor. He's breaking down my relationship with thuy so we can build it up right. there's just so many things to give God praise for!

i'm so sorry, Lord, for ignoring you and pushing you aside. fill me with your love. help me remember how good you are! let me be excited about sharing this love with people again! that's what it's always been about! your love, your love, your love. it's been my driving force all along! these past couple of years. it's always been about how much you love me and me sharing that back to the people around me. that's what i want my life to be about. i want my life to be marked by love!! i want people to see that and give praise back to you! God, fill me with your love! throw out my fears of looking like a cheesy christian! i want to be a passionate christian, not a passive one! someone who is overwhelmed by love and overflowing with love for the people around me. transform my heart again. change me. i know you can! remind me why i'm here on this earth. to glorify you with my life. to glorify you by the way i'm marked by your love. it's so repetitive. it's so cliche. only because it's true. your love is why i'm here and i want to share that with the world!

hallelujah! =]

new eyes

Jesus Rejected at Nazareth

1 Jesus left that part of the country and returned with his disciples to Nazareth, his hometown.2 The next Sabbath he began teaching in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. They asked, "Where did he get all this wisdom and the power to perform such miracles?"3 Then they scoffed, "He's just a carpenter, the son of Marys and the brother of James, Joseph,s Judas, and Simon. And his sisters live right here among us." They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.
4 Then Jesus told them, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family."5 And because of their unbelief, he couldn't do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them.6 And he was amazed at their unbelief.

mark 6

whoa. this was convicting. it seemed like people's familiarity with Jesus made them miss out on the amazing person that was Jesus! because they knew His family, His past, His upbringing, they couldn't respect Him, or they wouldn't. it seemed like i always applied this story to myself. as if i'm the one that's not completely respected at my home church because they've seen me grow up there. they've seen me be a hooligan and stirring up trouble and that kind of speaks louder than the person i am today.

but how have i been judging the people in my life who i've become familiar with? how have i not been respecting and appreciating because i've known them for so long? family? friends? man, this was so convicting. who have i not been letting affect me and seeking God's voice from just because i've grown familiar or "used to" them? who have i not been giving my full attention because of what i know of their past? who in my life do i think hasn't changed? who is it do i think that God isn't really using to speak into my life? how much have i been missing out on because of this? i don't want to be like Jesus' hometown. i don't want to miss out on something amazing because of my pride, jealousy, or simple ignorance.

i want to be able to see people grow, no matter how familiar they are to me. i want to hear God speak from them. i want to see God use them in my life and in other people's lives. i need new eyes.

being with Him

Jesus Chooses the Twelve Apostles

13 Afterward Jesus went up on a mountain and called out the ones he wanted to go with him. And they came to him.14 Then he appointed twelve of them and called them his apostles.s They were to accompany him, and he would send them out to preach,15 giving them authority to cast out demons.16 These are the twelve he chose:

Simon (whom he named Peter),
17 James and John (the sons of Zebedee, but Jesus nicknamed them "Sons of Thunder"s),
18 Andrew,
Philip,
Bartholomew,
Matthew,
Thomas,
James (son of Alphaeus),
Thaddaeus,
Simon (the zealots),
19 Judas Iscariot (who later betrayed him).

mark 3

the part that has been really hitting my heart lately is, "they were to accompany him, and he would send them out to preach, giving them authority to cast out demons." just this idea of being with Jesus. in private and in public. all of the time. watching everything that He did. seeing miracles unfold. observing how He cared for people. listen to how He talked. witness His love. all so the disciples could then be ready to preach the Gospel, to spread the Good News. only after they had spent a considerable amount of time with Jesus could they truly have the authority to cast out demons. i'm thinking to myself that this may go against some teaching that we hear at church. that no matter where you are with Christ, you can spread the word about Him, you can evangelize and preach the Gospel. i think that's still true because the Holy Spirit is working inside of you, even if you are a new follower. but i think of how much stronger the testimony and witness would be after spending every single day with Jesus. seeing Him move inside you to love other people. seeing Him dissolve the bitterness and discontentment in your heart. seeing Him push you and challenge you to forgive those that hurt you. seeing Him change your heart that you actually start loving the people that hate you. what a powerful testimony that would be!

another thing that God has been putting in my heart is mentorship or discipleship. i see the way Jesus taught His disciples and it doesn't seem impossible today. it's about including someone in your life so they can see the way you love people and so that they can see what a christian looks like outside of a sunday or "holy" days. what does a christian look like on a "regular" day? what does living out love for God entail? that's where discipleship comes in. i've been mentored years now and not known it. i do believe it's played a part in the way i love people. and i want to pass that on. i want all of us to pass that on. to be filled up with the Spirit and go out and change the world is amazing, but it doesn't continue if we don't pass that on to a younger generation! we can't just hoard all of the Spirit for ourselves. i want to show people who are younger than me that Jesus Christ is the most revolutionary man that i've ever met and that a life lived out for Him is completely dangerous and it's a life of adventure and unpredictability!

i want to know Jesus more so i can truly give a powerful testimony to the people around me. so i can give a powerful testimony to my mentoree. i want him or her to witness how much Christ compels me. i want him or her to see how much i love the King and the King loves me.

crowds

Crowds Follow Jesus

7 Jesus went out to the lake with his disciples, and a large crowd followed him. They came from all over Galilee, Judea,8 Jerusalem, Idumea, from east of the Jordan River, and even from as far north as Tyre and Sidon. The news about his miracles had spread far and wide, and vast numbers of people came to see him.
9 Jesus instructed his disciples to have a boat ready so the crowd would not crush him.10 He had healed many people that day, so all the sick people eagerly pushed forward to touch him.11 And whenever those possessed by evils spirits caught sight of him, the spirits would throw them to the ground in front of him shrieking, "You are the Son of God!"12 But Jesus sternly commanded the spirits not to reveal who he was.

mark 3

i think sometimes we read verses like these where it talks about multitudes of people and we kind of overlook it. we hear the story of the feeding of the 5000 and we go, "how nice." i don't think we think about the magnitude of people that Jesus is touching and healing and changing. so when i read that people came from all over galilee, judea, jerusalem, idumea, from east of the jordan river, and even from as far north as tyre and sidon, it didn't strike me that hard until i really thought about it. dang. this is a huge, incredibly big, epic gathering of people. it got so crowded that at a certain point, Jesus had to tell His disciples to grab a boat for Him so that He can teach without being what? crushed!! i just think of rockharbor and how that gathering is a couple thousand people in itself, and that's only people from orange county! imagine finding out a man that heals diseases and casts out demons. wouldn't you travel great distances to see Him and be healed?? i'm thinking widescale, off-the-map, people coming from all over the us to see this man. this is Jesus. He was something to behold. the crazy thing? He didn't back down, He healed all of them. it's beautiful. no matter how many people, He did what He felt like doing, touching them and changing their lives.

here's the part that gets me. "He had healed many that day, so all the sick people eagerly pushed forward to touch Him." they saw what He did, and they reacted. they saw the miracles He was doing. they saw the lives He was changing. and they wanted Him. they wanted to touch Him. they wanted to be near Him. in the esv version, they "pressed" in around Him to touch Him. now i ask myself. if i see all that He's done? i see the lives that He's changed. i see the miraculous stories of His healing. why don't i "press" in? there are people coming from all over the region to see and touch and be near this man. this man who takes the time to heal each and every one of them and why am i not "pressing" in?

i think sometimes we forget how amazing Jesus is. how He attracted thousands of people to Him, and today, millions of people to Him. there's something about Him. it can't be emulated by man. there is something out of this world about Jesus. this guy had so much love and compassion for people. so much so that He rebuked anybody who was a religious leader that forgot about loving people. He had authority. He had power. He was righteous. He was forgiving. He is everything that i want to be like. and He wants to have a relationship with us. isn't that just crazy?? the Savior of the world, the Creator of the universe, the Truth, and the Life, and the Way, wants to have a personal, intimate relationship with me. and i'm brought back to this state of humility. who am i, God, to receive your grace and mercy? thank you for loving me.

mercy, not sacrifice

Jesus Heals on the Sabbath

1 Jesus went into the synagogue again and noticed a man with a deformed hand.2 Since it was the Sabbath, Jesus' enemies watched him closely. If he healed the man's hand, they planned to accuse him of working on the Sabbath.
3 Jesus said to the man with the deformed hand, "Come and stand in front of everyone."4 Then he turned to his critics and asked, "Does the law permit good deeds on the Sabbath, or is it a day for doing evil? Is this a day to save life or to destroy it?" But they wouldn't answer him.
5 He looked around at them angrily and was deeply saddened by their hard hearts. Then he said to the man,"Hold out your hand." So the man held out his hand, and it was restored!6 At once the Pharisees went away and met with the supporters of Herod to plot how to kill Jesus.

mark 3

i was originally going to write this myself but i found this and thought it said what needed to be said. =]

"I have read this section of Scripture nearly 100 times, and I think I finally got it today. A man with a shriveled hand comes to Jesus in the synagogue and everyone is wondering what Jesus is going to do. Is He going to break the Sabbath law by healing the man on the Sabbath? He asks the question and becomes angry with all of the religious leaders because of their silence and hard heartedness. Why were they silent? And why was Jesus angry? Look at the two options in Jesus' question again. What are the only two options Jesus leaves on the table? He only leaves good and evil. The religious leaders are looking for another option. They are looking for the "nothing" option. Their argument would be, “Isn't that what the Sabbath is about? We do nothing on the Sabbath. We aren't allowed to work.” They spent centuries defining what working and not working on the Sabbath was. Now Jesus is telling them that not doing a good work on the Sabbath might be paramount to doing evil. Jesus is addressing the sins of omission in our lives. These are the things we ought to do but don't. Jesus told them, and is telling us, how wrong it is to use our religion to justify a good work not done. Throughout all of Scripture God says, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." If we are going to error, we are better off erring on the doing side and not the side of doing "nothing". If you want to raise God's fury, get in front (in the way) of His mercy and grace. Brothers and Sisters in Christ, God wants our obedience to His Word, but He always wants that obedience rooted in grace and mercy. Today, may we see the clarity of our choices, and may we always choose to do good! Peace!"

- Tom

christians

"It is the Christians, O Emperor, who have sought and found the truth, for they acknowledge God. They do not keep for themselves the goods entrusted to them. They do not covet what belongs to others. They show love to their neighbors. They do not do to another what they would not wish to have done to themselves. They speak gently to those who oppress them, and in this way they make them their friends. It has become their passion to do good to their enemies. They live in the awareness of their smallness. Every one of them who has anything gives ungrudgingly to the one who has nothing. If they see a traveling stranger, they bring him under their roof. They rejoice over him as over a real brother, for they do not call one another brothers after the flesh, but they know they are brothers in the Spirit and in God. If they hear that one of them is imprisoned or oppressed for the sake of Christ, they take care of all his needs. If possible they set him free. If anyone among them is poor or comes into want while they themselves have nothing to spare, they fast two or three days for him. In this way they can supply any poor man with the food he needs. This, O Emperor, is the rule of life of the Christians, and this is their manner of life."

- Aristides 137 AD

"Every culture has particular ways of eating. Some folks eat with chopsticks; others sit on the floor. In India we ate with our right hands. How do Christians eat? Christians eat with poor folks, with the outcast, the marginalized, and the excluded--all who were never invited to anyone else's party. Ours is a different kind of party. It's more like a divine banquet than another political program. Society's misfits are our people, our 'constituency.'

"There's an old story of a bishop whose cathedral was about to be robbed. The bandits demanded the 'treasures of the church.' So the bishop went into the shelter and gathered up the poor, saying, 'These are the treasures of the church.' The bandits left empty-handed that night."

- Jesus for President

i look at that first quote and i think to myself, man, i want the world to look at the church and see that. i want the world to see sacrificial people who go out of their way to love on others. i want the world to see people who starve to be able to feed someone in need. i want the world to see God's love. if i didn't have a relationship with Christ, i would look at this description and think, "wow, these christians are really something. why do they live this way? who are they living for? who is this Jesus that they worship? can i get to know Him?"

i also think, "man, how do we get there? how do we live that radically?" and the real answer is, we don't. at least, not by ourselves. we need each other and we need the Holy Spirit. through living by the Spirit, listening, waiting, praying, being sensitive to Him, by feeling and recognizing His love, we start to just LIVE it. it doesn't become "spiritual fruit" that we tape on ourselves, it doesn't become just an act, but it becomes a way of living that reflects what's on the inside.

i'm excited to see God raise a generation that is passionate for truth and action. for God and living in response to His love. let the world see the way we live and give praise to God. let the world see us and fall in love with Him.

Jesus for President

Just some excerpts from a book I've been reading that I wanted to share. =]

"The church is a people called out of the world to embody a social alternative that the world cannot know on its own terms. We are not simply asking the government to be what God has commissioned the church to be. After all, even the best government can't legislate love. We can build hundreds of units of affordable housing (a good thing by the way) and people still might not have 'homes.' We can provide universal health care and keep folks breathing longer (another nice move), but people can be breathing and still not truly be 'alive.' We can create laws to enforce good behavior, but no law has ever changed a human heart or reconciled a broken relationship. The church is not simply suggesting political alternatives. The church is embodying one."

"Remember when ole John the Baptizer sent his disciples to ask Jesus whether he was the one they were expecting and he didn't answer with a simple yes? Jesus instead told them to go tell John what they saw him doing. He knew that John could read the trail of crumbs. John knew that when lepers were healed, the blind saw, the dead rose, and the good news was preached to the poor, the one they were awaiting was indeed here.

What does our trail of crumbs look like? If someone asks if we are Christ-followers, can we say, 'tell me what you see?' Is there enough evidence to prove that we are taking after the slaughtered Lamb? What if they ask the poor around us? What if they ask our enemies? Would they say that we love them? Christians haven't always looked like Jesus. Perhaps the greatest barrier to Christ has been Christians who pronounce Jesus so loudly with their lips and deny him so loudly with their lives."

"A recent survey of young adults who are 'familiar outsiders' to Christianity showed that the three most common perceptions of Christians by onlookers are that we are anti-homosexual (an image held by 91 percent of the folks surveyed), judgmental (87 percent), and hypocritical (85 percent). How sad that the very things that Jesus scolded the religious elites around him for are the very things for which Christians are now known. We have a major image problem. To hear more about this study by the Barna research team, check out the book Unchristian (Baker, 2007) by our friends David Kinnaman and Gabe lyons."



Some tough things for me to hear. I know I can't change the way people look at Christians. I can't change people's hearts. But I know that the Holy Spirit can, God can, Jesus can. When we put on Jesus, when we live out LOVE, not condemnation, people see who we live for. They see Christ by the way we live. Not just by the things we say.

Trying to love a little more each day. Trying to be like Jesus a little more each day. =]