the process

last night, i got to catch up with a really amazing friend. we were able to air out frustrations, struggles, just heavy stuff that was on our hearts. we had church. praise God for that opportunity.

it was refreshing to have that again. to have church with someone one on one. to talk about life and God and everything inbetween. i want to make that a priority this year. in my head, i just keep on remembering that we're all made for relationship. for intimate connections with other people. that's how we grow. how we thrive. where we get recharged and filled up. i was telling my friend that it's not so much that deep conversations drain us and take a lot out of us, it actually does the reverse! it fills us up! compared to shallow relationships and just having fun all the time. having no intimate connections at all with people and settling for the small talk and nonsense conversations becomes more draining in the end. there's no substance. no meaning. no digging deeper to why someone is feeling the way they're feeling. no deeply convicting or revealing things that come out about yourself and the person you're sharing that conversation with. no room for God to move.

three things were made clear to me from the conversation that i had last night. that this year is really going to be about family for me. as in spending time with them, breaking down barriers with them, loving them through my actions. this year's also going to be about humility in all the areas of my life including worship, friendships, relationship, and wherever else God wants to move in me. and finally, this year will be challenging me to step out in faith. to really put my trust in God and let Him have the reins in my life. i really don't know where He'll take me but i want to follow. these themes have been coming up a lot lately through conversations and through situations. last night, God seemed to really impress them on my heart. it's nice knowing that He's still working in my life.

i'm still in the process of letting Him take over. where there's more of Him in my life and less of me. i was telling my friend that i was thankful that we get to start early in trying to become better men for our families and our friends. some people don't make this realization until it's too late. i'm just thankful that He's started on me already. it's kind of a bummer but also kind of a comfort to know that He's going to be working on my heart for the rest of my life. to make me a better person. a better friend. a better brother. a better son, father, husband, and any role that i'm going to be playing in the future. thank God for that. and i know that it's going to be a painful process. a process of letting go, starting over, messing up, trying again. it's going to be exhausting. it's going to be frustrating. it's going to be rewarding. it's going to be worth it. =]

here's to family, humility, and stepping out in faith. =]

hss

led worship with a friend for a huntington beach prayer meeting last night. God was moving. really cool to be packed into a room full of people just praying for the city and passionate to make a difference for God.

i could barely sing last night. also had no lyrics. the projector just wouldn't read my mac. so ryan and i go outside and pray over the night. we started. and God took over. people didn't need the lyrics. the sang loud and i could feel the Spirit. it was awesome. and when it came to my turn to lead, my voice opened up just for the bit that i was singing. but the cool thing about it was it made room for everyone else in the room to sing. they were all leading worship and i was just singing along. =]

stoked to be a part of that small community. talked to a new friend about how it's so easy to get lost sometimes at big churches and how it's refreshing to be a part of a miniature expression of a megachurch and to actually know people, their names, and lives. really glad i came out last night.

praying for huntington beach. that God would continue to draw and tug hearts to Him. for the lost, the broken, the unwanted. that the theme on people's lips would be Jesus from pier to pier. =]

praise God for a team of people who can embrace humility together. =]

half a voice

humility. the unsung hero. the backbone. the behind-the-scenes drive that makes people admirable. i don't have it.

haha but i know that it's something huge that God's embedding into me. into my character. the way i talk, play, work, think, love. humility doesn't come easy for me. and God doesn't teach me in a nice way either. most of the time, He smacks me in the back of the head with it. i never expect it, but it comes. it's only fitting that one of my favorite passages is from philippians 2. even though Jesus was the Son of God and even God Himself, He didn't demand or cling on to any special privileges. even though He deserved everything, He lived on barely anything and even went so far as to humble Himself to the level of a servant, a slave. a king who gives up all authority and power and royalty to become a slave for His people. to be mocked and spit on and finally crucified, murdered, tortured publicly. man, if that's not humility, i don't know what is.

and here's me on the other side, getting angry that someone else made me sound stupid. or having my ideas turned down. or not winning an argument. or not getting what i want, the way i want it, when i want it, and it's usually, now, now, now. and i look at this person and i don't want to be him. i don't want this to be the man that people look at and say, "he's nothing like Jesus."

one big way God's been teaching me humility and helping me find my identity in Him is music. He kind of taken music away from me, in a sense. i haven't been really leading worship for a while now. the team that i've been coaching has been stepping up their game and i couldn't be prouder of them. but as a result of that, i end up not leading as much. i'm not known as the worship leader anymore. that identity is kind of stripped away. i'm the guy in the back. kind of the nobody. for a musician, that's not ideal. it's kind of terrible. to not be noticed. to be the second thought. to be the one nobody really knows about or has any knowledge of the work put into a project. it sucks. but as a man who wants to be more like Christ, it's necessary. and at the same time, freeing. freedom from showmanship. freedom from caring so much about what people think. freedom to worship. freedom to grasp humility. freedom to let go of the identity that requires me to perform to earn it. freedom to take hold of the identity that requires nothing of me.

i've always prided myself in being able to sing fairly well. but God wants to take that away from me as well. for the past few times that i have been leading worship for the junior highers, down in san diego and at city lights, something that never really happened to me before occurred. i lost my voice during worship. now i don't know if it's because i haven't been leading worship for big gaps of time or whatever. but i know it's God taking away that pride. having to lead worship with a half a voice is truly humbling, especially right in the middle of a song and for the rest of the set. i feel like it's something that i prayed about a while back. that God would help me not treat leading worship like a show, an act, a performance. i was really struggling with that. i just couldn't understand why i couldn't focus on God when i was leading worship. i feel like God's calling me back to worshipping Him when i'm leading. to stop singing so loud. to stop with the showboating. to find my quiet space with Him. and when i do that, i sing perfectly fine. it was never about impressing people. it was never about how good i was. it's always been about me and Him and what He's gifted me with to glorify Him.

i feel like when i was leading focusing on people, i was singing with half of a voice to Him. and He's been calling me back to sing with a full voice to Him and Him alone. =]

encouragement

it's really cool to see the team that i've been semi leading for the past few months really take ownership of what they're doing. the worship team is such an encouragement to me. =] it's been so amazing to see what God's been doing in their hearts. it's so great to see people opening up and sharing on a deeper level, sharing sufferings and struggles, a small picture of what church is supposed to be like.

it's an honor to be a part of a community that is striving for change and deeper relationships. and not only with each other, but for the world around us. i know we're not going out and saving all the helpless, lost, and broken and letting them know that they're loved just yet, but it's awesome to take those first small steps in that direction. i can't wait to see how this rag tag group of people will pass down knowledge and wisdom to a younger generation in years to come and change the world for Jesus! but now, here's to what God's doing in the present! God is good. looking back a couple of months ago, i thought i was only going to be here a little while longer to coach the wbem worship team. that's it. we had no idea we would be here now. it's always been God behind it all. He had other plans for me, for us. i'm just glad to be a part of this adventure. =]

lazarus

when i laid down to sleep last night, i was writhing in pain. my head felt like it was being attacked by razor blades from the inside out. i woke up this morning, no pain. praise God. i can't believe it. all i remember other than the pain last night was praying over and over again, "God help me!" i was really in a pathetic state. helpless physically and mentally. i couldn't move and i couldn't think. all i could do was pray and hope the pain would go away. i feel a lot better!

last night, the worship team was studying amos. we're learning about God's heart and passion for justice. i wanted everyone to be a part of something bigger than themselves and i think i was maybe kind of forcing it on them. one of my friends reminded me that the motivation should come from the heart and God's tug on them. totally forgot about that! i was putting my own expectations on people and forgot that they should be involved in these projects because they truly feel called to it! i was kind of thrown off by it a little bit but i'm glad that people can put me in check and help me remember the important things. we're learning about justice, but everyone learns at their own pace. we're learning about taking action, but God changes hearts at different times. i'm still learning patience. =]

i've been reading john 11 over and over again. there's something that sticks out. Jesus weeping. we all know this story. about Jesus coming to raise lazarus from the dead and He weeps when they take Him to the tomb. but i want to throw something out that i never really noticed before. yes, for certain He could've been weeping over lazarus' death. this was a friend that He loved dearly and this was a very moving situation, even if Jesus intended to raise him. what i notice is how much this foreshadows Jesus' death. if we look at verse 14 and 15, Jesus actually says that He's glad that He wasn't there when lazarus died. i don't think He was saying that He was happy that He wasn't there when lazarus was on his deathbed, rather He was glad that He wasn't there so that now, He could give them new grounds for believing. none of them understood what He was doing, but He knew all along. when He got there, martha and mary both told Him if He was there earlier, He could have saved lazarus and there came an anger in Him. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to let His friend die. but it was for the purpose of glorifying God. in the midst of doing what He was supposed to do for God and for His disciples, it still hurt.

they kept on saying that He could have done something about it. anything. but He chose not to. He chose to not use His power to save lazarus so that He could show them something. i think there was this sense of impatience in Jesus. the sense that even after all the miracles He had done, His followers still wouldn't believe that He could do anything. nobody really believed that He would raise lazarus.

nobody really believed that Jesus would rise from the dead. when He wept, i don't think He was just weeping over lazarus, i think He might have also been weeping over what was to come for Him as well. there's a connection. He chooses not to use His power to save Himself so that He could take the punishment of the world on Himself. people didn't understand why He didn't just save Himself. why didn't He just hop off the cross or call down the heaven's armies? He could have made all of the people who were hurting Him pay for what they did. He had the power to do so. so why didn't He? it's because He chose not to. for our sake. the sake of the world. for love's sake.

we see Jesus' humanness here in His weeping. we remember in the garden that He would've accepted any other way to glorify God but to go on the cross. it was still extremely painful for Him to let His friend die. now it was His turn. to say goodbye to His friends and His family so that God could be glorified. even though He knew that He was going to rise again, it still hurt.

God, you're so good to us. Jesus, thank you so much for what you did on that cross for me. you took on so much pain for my sake. for the sake of this broken man. thank you.

hallelujah

i've been gone gone gone. off the maps. off the charts. searching, waiting, getting lost, starting over again. this past year has been a whirlwind. so much has happened. from the decision to leave my home church, to the san diego urban project, to the worship team, to rock harbor, and now a church plant on the horizon. i find myself back here.

i was journaling a couple of days ago about how my relationship with God seems so distant and contrived. i couldn't understand why i felt so alone. i couldn't understand why i didn't feel any different. i thought everything would change when the new year started. i know i prayed for 2010 to be a difficult year so that i could learn to trust Him and be closer to Him. why don't i feel that way? 2011 has started and i feel desperately dissatisfied. i don't like the man that i've been lately. i don't like that i've been impatient, easily flustered, shy, angry, lonely. then i started asking myself. "is this my fault?"

"have i been the one that's been distancing myself from Him, from other people?" and i started realizing that i have been shrinking back from opportunities to dive in deeper with people. i've been shrugging off opportunities to get closer to God. for people, i'm scared of rejection. i'm scared of awkward silences. i'm scared of looking like that christian who always bugs you about your spiritual life. for God, i've been taking Him for granted. i know He's here, so i read a couple of verses in the bible every day and label that as spending my time with God. i don't think reading someone's autobiography every once in a while qualifies as me spending quality time with someone and entering into a deep and meaningful relationship with them. but that's what i've been doing. i've been completely missing out on God and what He wants to do in my life. i've been filling up my time with meaningless junk. i surf the web, watch movies, read gaming news, etc. and i rush through my time with God to do so.

i started asking about where that boy was who was so eager to wake up every morning to spend time with his Father. where is that excitement? where is that enthusiasm to just crack open his Father's love letter to him? i wish i was that boy again. i feel like a cynical old man, doubting everything, forgetting what love is, looking at the downside in everything, no hope, just dread. i hate that. i hate that that's what i've become. even though not a lot of people can see it, i know He sees it. He knows me inside out. He knows that i'm hurting.

and i know that it's definitely spiritual attack that i'm feeling this way. but at the same time, i know i play a part in it as well. i need to be intentional in my relationships with people. i know that's what i used to do. i would drive all the way to someone's house just to spend time with them and let them know that they're on my heart and that i love them. i would ask them how their spiritual lives were and pray over them. i've been turning away those opportunities to mentor and to lead the people that i love because i'm scared of those awkward silences. i'm scared they won't have anything to say. i'm scared i'll look stupid. but as a boy, as that excited kid who just wanted to share his Father's love, i didn't care. i just did it. i was talking to a friend yesterday and realized that i'd rather have people be challenged in their faith and wrestle with hard questions and give me that awkward silence rather than have them skim through life without ever being challenged. i need to get back to that. i just want to get back to being that person who is just so filled up with God's love that i can't contain it any longer. i have to tell someone about it. i have to pour it back into someone else. that's the man that i want to be.

at rock harbor the other night, we were talking about rejoicing. oh, how i have forgotten how to rejoice. not just in the good events, and not even the really bad events, but to give God praise in everything. the little things. in every detail of my life. to not rejoice in the situation, but rejoice that Christ is in the situation. that He is here no matter what. that's a reason to rejoice. remembering that God is good no matter the circumstances. i've forgotten how to do that. i want that again.

and now that i really think about it. praise God! He is so good to me! He's been working on my heart all year! from showing me He was with me when i couldn't feel Him at all at the beginning of this last year. to filling me up as i went to share life with the teenagers and kids down in san diego. to realizing that my relationship with my dad is something that affects me to this day and learning that i have to play an active part in redeeming that along with the Holy Spirit. to learning that it's such a burden and a heavy weight to maintain a facade. it's so much easier when i share my struggles with people and have them help me in it rather than hiding it and being afraid that people find out about the ugly me underneath! things that i couldn't learn on my own! He's been with me all along. hallelujah! He's taught me so many things this past year! so many life lessons. He's given me an amazing community. He's reunited me with my mentor. He's breaking down my relationship with thuy so we can build it up right. there's just so many things to give God praise for!

i'm so sorry, Lord, for ignoring you and pushing you aside. fill me with your love. help me remember how good you are! let me be excited about sharing this love with people again! that's what it's always been about! your love, your love, your love. it's been my driving force all along! these past couple of years. it's always been about how much you love me and me sharing that back to the people around me. that's what i want my life to be about. i want my life to be marked by love!! i want people to see that and give praise back to you! God, fill me with your love! throw out my fears of looking like a cheesy christian! i want to be a passionate christian, not a passive one! someone who is overwhelmed by love and overflowing with love for the people around me. transform my heart again. change me. i know you can! remind me why i'm here on this earth. to glorify you with my life. to glorify you by the way i'm marked by your love. it's so repetitive. it's so cliche. only because it's true. your love is why i'm here and i want to share that with the world!

hallelujah! =]