always

learning now that i need to make a decision. a definitive one. to be a man and choose and stick by what i choose. if it's the wrong one, then it will be revealed to me. God is with me, so what do i have to fear?

i've been thinking through so many scenarios lately. what would happen if i did this? if i went this direction? how would it play out? and i'm brought back to this verse from hebrews. "and let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." i need to stop looking at the scenarios. what could or might not happen. and just trust. to walk and trust. hands out, letting God lead. surrendering that He has me and will take care of me each step of the way. refining me and purifying me.

i'm such a big thinker. i think about everything. i think so much that it gets in the way of acting. it gets in the way of committing. it's not always bad. i want to be able to think and say things well. to speak truth in love. to make sure people feel loved and wanted. but lots of times as well, it gets in the way of God receiving glory. it stops me in my tracks. and even though there are times to think long and hard about what i have to say, there are times that i need to just stop thinking and trust. to stop worrying and being anxious and remember that Christ has risen! there is nothing to fear! God is with me, and i have everything that i need! no matter where i go.

i need to remember these truths.

my life is in His hands. my life is for Him. my life is to bring Him glory and share His love with others. God is with me always. always.

2 hours

These last two hours are probably the most excruciating of the past two days. Just being taught to hold on to God. Hold on when everything is going south, there's no end in sight, and there is just pain heaped on pain. Hold on for dear life because He's the only one who sustains me. When I don't get what I want, when nothing is going my way, when my desires are thrown out the window, it's ok, because I have Jesus with me. In my weakness, God's power shines through. I am not a strong man. It's the Holy Spirit in me that has allowed me to get this far.

Day 1

Rid me of myself, I belong to You. I've been praying these words over and over in the past 24 hours. It's been a battle. A painful and eye-opening one. Almost everything that I thought I was doing for God had an ulterior motive that would benefit me. Or any time that I would start trying to think of how I could best serve God, the focus would then turn to me. I've been letting God slowly peel away from me all the lies that I have to put myself first before anything and anyone. Because if I have Jesus, I already have everything that I need! So many half-truths about taking care of myself, worrying about the future, worrying about what people think of me, elevating things that just do not deserve that level of importance in my life.

I've also been drawn back to very basic songs and prayers. Purify my heart, make me as gold, pure gold. Make me white as snow and I will be made whole. Repentance and all-out attack against the lies in my heart have been going on inside of me. Adoration and gratefulness to the Father consume me. Remembrance of how much He loves me and chases after me, forgives me and takes me in, even after all of the running, cowardice, and lying.

God is so good. What could I say? What could I do? But offer this heart completely to Him? In response to the cross and the salvation that I've been given, I want to give everything, everything, everything back. Nothing is mine, and I don't need anything other than Him anymore. My selfishness and pride would tell me otherwise but it's just not the truth. I need to feast on His Word. Be with the Holy Spirit. Be strengthened by Him and Him alone. Sure, other things help, but He is my true source of strength.

This is a broken and desperate man's journal. God, come and fill me up with Your love. Help me to love like You. To point people to You. Use me mightily for Your kingdom. Consume me. Let everything that I am be for Your glory. Jesus, I love you so much. 

And I'm not done yet. One more day to go. I don't know what else God is going to reveal to me. But I'm excited to find out.

Steadfast

Today I'm starting a two-day fast. There is so much inside of me that's been happening the past couple of months and especially this past couple of days. I've been crying uncontrollably and at random times. I've been depressed and lonely. I've been tried and tested. And through all of this, I've only scratched the surface of what's really going on inside of me.

I've been realizing that I've been making all of my decisions by myself and for my benefit. Not for the benefit of others or for the glory of God. God's been revealing to me how selfish and ugly I've been these past few months. Through this time, I've been able to see that every one of my decisions that were made out of selfish motives be turned upside down only by myself and doubted because of my feelings. Because my choices were based on my feelings, they had no real root and no substance. None of my decisions were really rooted out of being connected to Jesus, my true Vine, my Giver of LIfe, my All in All, even if I tricked myself into thinking that they were.

God's been refining me and stripping away all the lies that have been building up in my heart these past few months and it's been incredibly painful. He's bringing me to my knees and I've been coming back to the broken and desperate man that I am. I need Jesus so much. I'm nothing without Him. Without Him, I'm a slave to my sin, my wants, my desires, my fickleness, my wishy-washiness, my feelings. And now I want to be completely surrendered to Jesus again, wherever He would have me go, do, say, I surrender. I want to know Him more. I want to bring Him all the glory.

I've been seeing that glory and fame are my idols, even if they are under-the-surface and I am very good at tricking myself into thinking that I don't have any idols. But I want to fight back. I don't want to be that man. I don't want to be a man that runs away from hardships. I want to face them head-on, knowing that my God is with me always. I want to be steadfast. I want my children to look up to me. I want my wife to have confidence in me. I want my Lord to be pleased.

Lord, have Your way in me. Strip me of my selfishness. Let my chief desires be to know you, to be with you, and to glorify you with all that I am. I surrender. Take my heart again, Lord. Keep it safe in Heaven with You. Protect it from the world. I want to be Yours forever and ever.

the fight

spent time with God on Thursday. 


i kept on asking Him about where i should go next. what should i invest in? who do i follow? all the while completely neglecting the fact that i wasn't asking these questions because i felt that God was calling me somewhere else because there was a need for me or there was a clear sign that God wanted me to move on. no, it was because i was scared, i felt useless, i felt like i could be appreciated more elsewhere, i could make more of a difference elsewhere. me, me, me, it was all about me. my primary focus wasn't for His glory. sure, i may have justified myself with His glory. as if i was going to move on to another ministry because it's for His glory and His kingdom or something. but it wasn't my main motivation. no, it was selfishness. i wanted, correction, i want to be respected and revered but i can't get that at a new church, so i run away to someplace familiar. i want to used fully, not so that God can be glorified, but so people can see how great i am and how much i want to serve, so i run. i want to have people look up to me, but it's harder when there are not a lot of younger kids to look up to me, so i run. and i justify it by saying that they need me somewhere else when in reality, their ministry is flourishing and they don't really need me all that much. i look at myself, i look at these words that i'm typing and i see how cowardly and selfish i am. 


this isn't a man motivated and driven by God's love. this isn't a man that is so on fire for God that he would persevere and stay true to God's calling on his life. this isn't a man who would lay down his desires and dreams to be with the people that his Savior wanted him to love and be with. 


no, this is a man driven by fear and selfishness. pride and envy. fame and glory. respect and privilege. 


sometimes it's really disheartening to take a long, hard look at yourself and see how ugly you really are. how much you don't look like Jesus. how much you don't look like someone who you yourself would look up to in the first place.


but the amazing thing is always this. there is redemption. there is always a chance for me to turn away and kick my selfishness away. to fight back. not with my own strength, but with the power of the Holy Spirit that is living me. the power that brought Jesus down to earth. the power that fed the hungry, healed the sick, and drove out demons the power that raised Christ from the dead! the Holy Spirit lets me know that i don't have to stay in this. i don't have to wallow in this pity party and feel bad about myself. Jesus Christ has died and risen again! my shame and guilt is nailed to the cross! no more sin, i am righteous in God's eyes because of Jesus Christ! hallelujah! 


i don't have to be this man anymore!


now i get to be a man of grace and mercy. of forgiveness and righteousness. of justice and peace. of unfailing love! i get to be a man burning with passion. not a man stuck in his mistakes and the past. 


i will fight back. Jesus is on my side. i won't sit and feel bad for myself. i will not let sin conquer me when Jesus has already conquered and overcome. i am free to love and live. i know i'm ugly, i'm human. but i am also beautiful and righteous because of what was done for me on the cross! and i say that my sin will not take me down, these hurricanes will not stop my love, my foundation is in Jesus Christ, the Savior of the World, the Lover of my Soul! my life will not be made useless because of sin and guilt, i won't stop loving because of my selfishness, i reject my wants and dreams and sacrifice my life to make sure that others know this love! 


that day, my conclusion was simply that this is where he led me. and i will stay faithful, i will love, i will pour out my heart, i will guard these sheep, i will shepherd, i will do whatever i can until he calls me elsewhere. and i pray that the people that i serve will see Jesus in me and do the same for others. =]

seeking and restarting

And I'm back. Another season of dryness, another season of seeking, another season of starting over and re-centering myself. It's really easy to see the cycles of my faith that I go through. I was just reading some older posts on this blog and I was just telling Thuy that I feel almost exactly the same way that I did then now! It's so crazy! But as always, He breaks me down to build me up again, stronger than before, bolder, wiser, more filled up with love! Right now, I'm going through some loneliness. Going to a church plant and feeling a little out of place. There are many reasons why I feel this way but regardless, I've been feeling down and out. And only recently, I've been able to escape a video game console and share with my community group that I'm hurting and lonely. Ive been far away from God and I've been going through the motions, only seeking Him in small moments when it's convenient for me. I had a friend who I've asked to mentor me tell me some things that I didn't want to hear just yesterday. I've been wanting to run away from the situation and start again somewhere else as if my heart will be automatically hanged by the scenery. But it's just not the case. I need to get back to God, back to that passion for Jesus, back to living out love and letting the world know that there is love unfailing and unending waiting for them. Bigger than anything that they're ever experienced before! A love that died and sacrificed itself to save us and bring us close. I'm slowly and painfully trying to rip myself away from bad habits that have formed in the past couple of months. Like getting a teeth cleaning and getting all the slowly-formed plaque scraped off, only more gross haha. I know that my relationships suffer, my mission suffers, everything suffers because my relationship with God is in a crummy situation. Like I've said before in this blog apparently, I don't pour into people as much as I used to, I don't have a love that reaches as much as it used to, I don't have wise words that impacted as much as they used to. Because of fear, I don't dig deep and develop relationships, I don't speak Jesus into people's lives, and nobody benefits, nobody gets closer to Jesus, and God doesn't get glorified. I have some catching up with God to do and I'm going to do so this Monday. Just spending time away from everyone and everything to be able to just seek Him and pray and repent. To simply say that I'm sorry for letting all of these distractions take his place in my life and asking Him to take His rightful place on my heart and my life. No more laziness, no more excuses, no more distractions. This is something that is a matter of eternity and people getting loved the right way. This is the most important thing in my life right now!

on the move

so i've been journaling on evernote for the past couple of months haha. lots of prayers and pouring out of my heart to God. lots of struggles and doubts. lots of hurts and wants. lots of crying out for God to move. and he's been moving. =] right now, i'm part of a church plant in fountain valley and he is moving. this sunday is going to be our fourth week and God has been blessing the fellowship. he's bringing people who don't know Christ, who used to come to church, and Christ followers who want to be a part of something bigger. God's been blessing the tuesday night community group. we're focusing on the scriptures and learning about what God has in store for us rather than me trying to figure out what we have in store for each other haha.

God's been maturing my faith in loving people who don't know the Gospel. i've been listening to an amazing artist named baths. he is super talented and really gifted in making beautiful electronic music. i've been listening to him non-stop in my car and on my laptop. thuy even got me tickets to see him in december! but recently i found out something about him that kind of turned me off to his music. it was something that has turned me off to people in general when i find it out about them. and in general and short, it was sin. and i was like, "man, i shouldn't be listening to this guy's music anymore." and God convicted me. i didn't want to listen to him because of this thing. but i'm able to listen to countless other artists who are in the same boat as baths. what should make this guy's sin any different from other artists'? more than that, what should make this guy's sin any different from my own?? we're all on the same side. the human side. the side that messes up and ends up being far from God. in the end, baths is just like a lot of other artists that i love. in need of Jesus. they need to meet Jesus. they need to learn about how much God loves them and cares about them. how he wants them to come home. how much God is chasing after them.

these past couple of months have been of tremendous growth for me. just growing up in faith and in life, which are kind of intertwined haha. but learning that i can't have the same kind of life that i had when i was a teenager. so free from responsibilities and dreaming about the future. i'm living in that future now! i'm set to graduate this coming spring and get a job and start saving money to get married, to grow up. it's been sad but good haha. sad knowing that i'm leaving an amazing chapter or section of the short book of my life and turning the page onto a new, exciting chapter. =]

i've been praying for a lot of professors and classmates at school. if you didn't know already, csuf is a pretty secular school and especially so in the sciences. at least for psychology, anyway. there's lots of opposition and kind of a stand-offish attitude when christianity or religion in general is brought up. and this has been huge in building up my faith. learning that i shouldn't be surprised by the persecution. learning that people will be turned off to the Gospel, some will be open to it, but there will be people that just don't like the message or like me because of it. been beefing up apologetics and prayer! praying for God to soften and open up hearts. praying that i could be a disarming person in being able to engage them about faith and life. and just have real, authentic, non-threatening conversation about Jesus. =]

i've also been learning to keep my eyes on Jesus. seems redundant to say. seems repetitive to say. but a constant reminder that i need in my life. especially when school, work, friends, ministry, distractions come along. it's hard to keep Jesus at the center when i've got so many things that are piling up on my plate! learning again to look to Jesus first before looking at all the problems or just things to do in general. for example, i have a research paper due this coming thursday. usually, i would look at it and dread. knowing the amount of time i'm going to have to spend cooped up in a library working on this thing, worrying about whether it will be good or not, complaining that the information isn't even going to be used by me, writing and re-writing pages, etc. but if i look at Jesus first. well, it becomes a different story! i look at Jesus and i see my purpose on this earth. and particularly, right now in college. i want to help people. these are just some of the things that i have to go through to get there. it becomes necessary on my road to helping people to know about Jesus Christ! it becomes something that i'm not really "glad" to do, but know that the result doesn't end there. in the form of a 5-6 page paper that's due for my learning and memory class. it's an investment in a life that blesses others in my work and life. that blesses the people i come in contact with at the office, friends that i'm able to bless with an income, family who i'm able to take care of, and those who i don't even know that i'm able to bless because i finish this paper. =]

the verse that i've been fixating on lately is from colossians 2, verses 6 and 7. "and now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness." i've just been learning to remember that it's not through works, through ritualistic prayers, through just feeling sorry for myself that i get salvation. i'm coming back to the 19-year-old me. coming back to the basics. that everything that i do is a response to Jesus. i overflow with thankfulness. and that thankfulness comes in the form of loving people in my speech, my thoughts, my actions. but i've been focusing so much on the "overflow" that i forget about what i need to do first! i need to let my roots grow down into him, Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior! i need to let my life be built on him! not on actions. not on ideals! i need to be connected to the true vine, the giver of life, the savior of the world. i need to be connected to Jesus! and the thankfulness comes naturally out of that.

it comes back to the basis of the Christian faith. we don't do things because it's required of us. we do things as a natural overflow of our love for Jesus. we do things because it's God's heart in us. because we see what he sees. because we're connected with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, we do things differently. we live differently. we have hope differently. we have joy differently. we die differently. we die to ourselves. because we're made alive in Christ, who sacrificed his life for us on the cross. who rose from the dead and by this action, lets us know that God is here and he is on the move and is coming back again. in the meantime, we want to let people know about this good news. Jesus died, rose, ascended, and is coming back. God loves us and wants us. and even though not everyone will want to receive it, just like we learn about a great new mediterranean restaurant, just like we see an amazing movie, just like when we just got hired for a new job, just like when we're head over heels in love, we want to let the world know. =]