greater than mine

i think God finally won a couple of days ago. He pried something out of my hands that i just would not let go of. i thought that it was what He wanted me to do. at least that's what i convinced myself that that was what He wanted me to do. this past weekend i was able to hear some amazing stories of how God opened up doors for people to walk through and glorify Him. and i realized that He hadn't opened up these doors for me. yet i continued to try and force the doors open. i didn't realize that He was opening up other doors for me.

i've been going through a trying season. still, after months of searching and wandering around, i don't have a full time job. i keep on being stuck between making money to take care of my family well or following my passion. i've been switching back and forth again and again. 

but these past few days have made me sit back and just see the doors that God has opened up for me. He's opened up school for me again and again. He's also opened up opportunities for me to work part time at a sunglasses company and a wedding video company. so i will put my effort into these things and see where He takes me from there. 

He hasn't been opening up the door for worship leading really. at least for right now, it doesn't seem like that's what He wants me to be doing. i shouldn't have to run into this much opposition haha. if He opens the door, i'm sure i'll see it. that's usually what He does. =]

i've been realizing that i've been asking Him close-ended questions. should i do this or this, God? only those options. rather than open-ended questions like, "where do i go from here? i'll go wherever You lead me." and i've been finding that it's because i've been idolizing some of those options. wanting it more than anything. i've been learning again how to surrender my life to God, no matter where He takes me. even if it's not where i thought that i would be. but it would be so much more beautiful than i ever would have thought could it be. not my plans, but His.

but my life is surrendered. my paths are surrendered. my passions and dreams. i want His dreams and passions in my heart. they're so much greater than mine. =]

Good Bye

I know these past few months, this past year, has been a really big transition time for me. I know I've been stretched and been growing. And I've been thinking a lot about how I'm not a 17-year-old anymore. How I'm not 19 anymore. Or even 21 anymore haha. I've been thinking about these last couple of years. The fun, the laughter, the friendships, the adventure, the amazing ways that God moved in my life and the lives of others. And I was happy but also sad.

I'm saying goodbye and closing the chapter on one of the most amazing times of my life. My college years are behind me now. Like saying goodbye to an old friend in a way.

But God met me there. To remind me of the adventure that awaits me. There's so much more to do. There's so much more to look forward to. The next adventure awaits!

I can't wait to see what God has in store for us next! New dreams, new hopes, new friendships, new challenges, new responsibilities, more laughter, more tears, more of Himself. =]

Good night

Got to love on, encourage, and pray for an awesome friend tonight. So blessed =]

We are where we are now for a reason. God has us on a mission. To love these people well, to shine Jesus' love, to sow seeds. Be encouraged and take heart because God is on your side. The Holy Spirit is here =]

monies

now is the next part of my journey. i know where God has called me to be committed in the sense of a church family and body. where to serve and pour my efforts into. to pray for and lift up. but now is when i face the next big question. what do i do for a living?

how am i going to make money? do i go into ministry? into worship leading? do i continue on and get my master's in counseling and down the line become a therapist? do i try to intern at olive crest again and see if i can get a job working with foster youth? do i give photography another try and start up a business again? 

i was talking to my mentor and was learning that any choice i choose now will be God-honoring. that God will use for His glory. but he made sure to tell me that i shouldn't go into ministry if there are other things i feel like i should be doing. ministry should really be a calling from God and not just an option amongst others. so when i'm actually in ministry, in the midst of the pain and confusion and trials, i know that i'm not there because of a whim, i'm there because God called me into it and i will be steadfast in it.

i know i love working with kids. i love working teenagers. i get passionate when i think about being able to mentor and let younger ones know that they have people who truly care about them and believe in them. especially the ones from broken families. i want to be able to be there to point them to Jesus, the one who will love them always when everyone else fails to love them. 

or photography. it's something that i enjoy doing. something that i have a knack for. and it frees me up to be able to lead worship. to mentor youth. to invest in my community. 

right now, i'm just asking for signs. for affirmations. for God to show me which way to go. God has given me gifts. and i want to use them well. i've been mulling on this verse for the past couple of days from 1 peter 4, "do you have the gift of speaking? then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. do you have the gift of helping others? do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. all glory and power to him forever and ever! amen." i want to do whatever i choose to do with the strength of God. to endure the hardships of my work with the strength of my Father so i do an amazing job and God is glorified through it! i want to use my gifts to serve and bless others well. all so that God may be glorified. 

God, would you take out selfish motives from my heart. help me to be attentive to Your Spirit. help me to make a decision that will serve the kingdom and the people around me. help me to keep my eyes on you always! you take care of me, not my job. my job is to help me love the world well and serve you, Lord! keep me connected to you as i try to make these important decisions.

there's nothing like

all powerful, all glorious, there's nothing like the name of Jesus. i've been listening to the newest hillsong album and there's a song that has this refrain in it. it's amazing how much more a song means when you're broken and in need of Jesus! and when you really read into a song, it has so much more power! for this particular verse, it really reminds me that there is nothing like the name of Jesus.

Jesus. yah-shua. the God who saves. the name that brings healing to broken lives. that brings hope to the hopeless. that is close to the broken-hearted. that came to bridge the gap between us and God. that broke the chains of sin. that took on the punishment and wrath of a just God. that shows us that God cares. that shows us that God chases. that shows us that God immensely loves His children so much that He would sacrifice a part of Himself so that we could be together. the name that brings worth to the those who think they are worthless. the name that is a solid rock in the midst of trials and difficulties that this life has to bring. the name that secures our seat next to the Father. the name that gives us courage to love, to endure, to pursue people in the same way that He pursues us. Jesus. what a beautiful name. =]

i want to lift my gaze to this name. this man. this God. who loves me so. even through the ugliness inside of me and my forgetfulness. my life is a response to what this man did on the cross for me. in response to what God sacrificed for me. i lay down my life so that others will hopefully see Him alive in me. that they would someday understand how much He loves them and wants to be with them. to let them know that He calls them His own, bought by the blood of Jesus, adopted into the family, restored and redeemed for a purpose much bigger than anything any of us could have dreamed of. =] 

the cost is great but the reward is greater! Jesus Christ is all i want. He is more than anything this world has to offer me. more than all the riches, more than all the adventure, more than all the memories, more than all the relationships. these things are all great things, but in light of Jesus, they just can't compare! nothing compares to this great love that chases and redeems! His love is my riches, following Jesus is my adventure, memories will fade, and relationships will too but knowing Him will last forever and ever! my hope isn't here on this earth, my hope is heaven. my hope is in Jesus.

can you use even me, Lord?

been learning more and more to die to myself. to really put my loved ones before me. to actually put their needs before mine. just last night, thuy was feeling sick so i stayed home with her and watched seek week from the live stream. that is a big deal. haha it shouldn't be, but it is. most of the time, i would put my needs before hers. but i was still able to worship and listen to mike erre's teaching through a laptop, and God met us there haha. it's going to take time and constant reminders but i want to be a man of sacrifice, not just to my friends and acquaintances, but to the ones who see me the most, my family!

it was so cool to hear what mike was teaching on last night! simply that God works in our weakness. breaking the cliche that he won't give us more than we can handle. time and time again in the Bible, we see story after story of unqualified people in over their heads. so when they succeeded, there was no other explanation than God was with them! examples of these guys were solomon, the man who had hundreds of wives and concubines who would write about love and fidelity, david, who was a murderer and adulterer who wrote the psalms and taught us how to worship, and paul, the christian-killer and super jew who was sent to share Jesus with the non-jews! God continually uses the people who just don't have it together to play a huge part in His story!

God works in our weaknesses so that we have no room to boast. i feel like God is really laying that on me now. my worship leading, my singing, my guitar playing. all my idols. my position, my respect, my glory. God is stripping away and letting me know that i am capable only through His power. that He could use a broken and desperate man like me to do amazing things for the kingdom. and i'm just brought back to mephibosheth. the cripple who is invited into the king's court to sit next to the king at the table. what do i have to offer, God? i'm a man who is struggling with so much sin and guilt and fear, what can you possibly do with me? and God tells me that i get to have a seat right next to Him and He tells me that He is going to use me to shame the things that are wise and the things that are strong. wow. =]

God uses the weak. God uses the foolish. God uses the broken hearted. why? because these people are honest and real. they know how weak they are and they know that only God, only His power, can use them to do amazing things because they can't do it on their own. and not just humanly amazing things, but out-of-this-world, miraculous things. =]

the other thing that i've been thinking about and i should be lifting up in prayer is community. i need to pray for community now. i need to pray that i can have people that i can love and serve and who in return can do the same for me. i was just reading this verse in 1 peter 1 and was just really convicted that i need to love and care for my church, "you were cleanses from your sins when you obeyed the truth, so now you must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. love each other deeply with all your heart." who are my brothers and sisters? who am i directing my deep love towards? i know i'm doing my best to do that with my family, with thuy, the kids at my work, and my coworkers, but what about my church? i need to meet with them and love them deeply. be there for them, invest in them, encourage them, receive from them.

God, help me to be a man of sacrifice. to be a man that remembers that You work in my weakness. to be a man that deeply loves his community. use me for Your kingdom, God. help me to keep my eyes on You. and not to be ignorant to the world and what's going on, but to remember to always view everything with the comfort that my hope and salvation are already in you. =]

open

God, please open the doors for the Gospel to be shared this week, for amazing things to happen =]