Thursday, July 1, 2010

the kid

Jesus Blesses the Children

13 One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could lay his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him.
14 But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."15 And he placed his hands on their heads and blessed them before he left.

matthew 19

i know. i haven't blogged in a while. i forget why. was i making it into a routine? maybe. did i find something better to do with my morning time? not really. maybe i was just copping out. maybe i made up the excuse that i needed to stop blogging because i wasn't really spending time with God. instead, what i really should have been doing was blogging and trying to spend time with Him as well, rather than just blogging and leaving it at that. it's 6:53 on a thursday morning and i'm leaving for a san diego in a couple of hours. and i need God more than ever. i need Jesus to come steal my heart. i've been letting so many other things consume me. i want to fall in love with Jesus again. i want to be swept off my feet. oh, phil wickham, you got it right, bro. it really is a divine romance.

"Jesus. i need you. i need you, i need you, i need you. so much. i'm lost without you. my world's topsy turvy without you. i have no sense of direction, to clear vision of where i need to go, no love in my heart for myself or the people around me without you." sounds like an n'sync song. i've been reading my old blog posts for about an hour now and i keep asking myself, "man, where did that kid go? that kid that was full of passion and love. that kid who loved the Lord with his every breath. the kid whose every word was a form of praise to the King. where did he go?" i am sitting on my bed, desperate, and in need of Jesus to take over. i want there to be less of me and more of Him. i know, i know, i know that when i live for myself, i get absolutely nowhere. i dig myself into a hole. there's a hole in me that no one else can fill except Jesus. "God, i need you so much right now," is all that's coming out of my mouth. i want to say, "God, i need you for all of eternity." that's what i really mean. but man, do i need Him to be close right now.

i'll be gone for a month. and i've been thinking so much about what i'm going to be missing out on. i've been thinking about how much i'll miss my family and my friends. i've also been thinking about the adventure that's to come. the new friendships that are going to be made. the amazing things that are going to take place. but it's all been kind of for myself. i haven't thought about the real reason i want to do this. it's because i love Jesus. it's because i love Jesus so much that i'm willing to spend a month away from my loved ones and my comfort and safety and thrust into the fray. i love Jesus so much that i want to share about Him to everyone that i meet. and i love the people in san diego so much that i want to spend a month there with them. letting them know, reminding, encouraging them that Jesus loves them so much. He has a plan. He has big things in store for each and every one of them. He wants to use them in AMAZING, LIFE-CHANGING ways.

back to the verse. =] imagine being a kid who has heard about this man who performs this amazing miracles. you hear about him healing the blind and the lame and even raising people from the dead! your parents say that you're going to see him today. how do you feel? stoked! excited! but for me, i'd be nervous and even scared. you know you're not very important already, being a kid and all. especially in that culture, knowing that kids couldn't contribute much, you're not even sure that the man would even consider glancing your way. you get up to where he is and what happens? his disciples yell at your parents and push you aside! bum to the er. you start leaving discouraged and heartbroken. and then you hear a voice. he says, "let the children come. don't stop them!" you're filled with joy and confusion! he blesses you.

who are we to be blessed by Jesus? who am i to be blessed and considered by Him? sometimes, i feel like those kids. unworthy, a second thought, discouraged, thinking, "why would Jesus, the Son of Nazareth, the Savior of the World, want to spend time with me?" and yet, He yells at His own disciples for not letting me come to Him. He touches me, i mean, really lowers and humbles Himself to my level to bless me!! and i'm filled with awe and tears. why would this amazing man want to spend time with someone as insignificant as me?? He must really love me. despite His status and the respect that people have for Him, He lowers Himself in front of everyone to bless me. despite His holiness, His sinlessness, His righteousness, His greatness, He humbles Himself in front of the world to die on the cross for me. for me. to make me blameless before God. to make me clean. to make me whole. to make me white as snow. and i am just amazed by how much He loves me.

i think we lose that sometimes. i know i lose it. i forget to be like the child who is just filled with awe because of what He's done for me. i forget that i'm the frightened child who is amazed that He would do something like that for me. i get filled with pride and forget that i didn't "earn" this gift. it was freely given to a helpless and broken boy.

"God, remind me of who i am. Your son. Your kid. i want to make You proud. fill me with that awe again. with that joy. the joy of my salvation. fill me wonder and amazement. don't let me just be filled with those emotions. let me live in response to it. let my life look different because of how much you love me. so the world may know how much you love them, too."