i think God finally won a couple of days ago. He pried something out of my hands that i just would not let go of. i thought that it was what He wanted me to do. at least that's what i convinced myself that that was what He wanted me to do. this past weekend i was able to hear some amazing stories of how God opened up doors for people to walk through and glorify Him. and i realized that He hadn't opened up these doors for me. yet i continued to try and force the doors open. i didn't realize that He was opening up other doors for me.
i've been going through a trying season. still, after months of searching and wandering around, i don't have a full time job. i keep on being stuck between making money to take care of my family well or following my passion. i've been switching back and forth again and again.
but these past few days have made me sit back and just see the doors that God has opened up for me. He's opened up school for me again and again. He's also opened up opportunities for me to work part time at a sunglasses company and a wedding video company. so i will put my effort into these things and see where He takes me from there.
He hasn't been opening up the door for worship leading really. at least for right now, it doesn't seem like that's what He wants me to be doing. i shouldn't have to run into this much opposition haha. if He opens the door, i'm sure i'll see it. that's usually what He does. =]
i've been realizing that i've been asking Him close-ended questions. should i do this or this, God? only those options. rather than open-ended questions like, "where do i go from here? i'll go wherever You lead me." and i've been finding that it's because i've been idolizing some of those options. wanting it more than anything. i've been learning again how to surrender my life to God, no matter where He takes me. even if it's not where i thought that i would be. but it would be so much more beautiful than i ever would have thought could it be. not my plans, but His.
but my life is surrendered. my paths are surrendered. my passions and dreams. i want His dreams and passions in my heart. they're so much greater than mine. =]