something more

i'm tired of living for myself. how far can my self take me? my self is flawed, selfish, greedy, egotistical, materialistic, self-absorbed. my self is all about me, me, me. and i'm honestly kind of sick of it. to satisfy myself, i never really satisfy. i always want something more. something more exciting, more fun, more satisfying. i don't want to care about my self anymore. it's never really gotten me anywhere but to a place of more want. once i achieve something, i want something else. i want what i can't have. it's scary to think that our culture preys on that. buy this food processor you don't need and a bike you won't ever ride. pop culture tells us to not be happy with what we already have. we could have something newer, something better. that dingy old computer you have, go and get a new one. throw that old one away, it's not good enough for you. and we completely overlook the fact that we're in the top 8% of people in the entire world who own computers. it's amazing, really. why can't we just be satisfied with what we already have? why can't we be content? maybe it's built in. something in our hearts that desires more. but we've been filling it up with the wrong things. things that don't last. things that will fade in time. i want something that will last. i'm tired of spending money on "temporary" things. i want something that will last forever. maybe money can't buy us that. i've found myself growing this past year. and i don't want to go back to that ignorant teenager i was back in high school. i want to keep growing in knowledge and in faith. i find myself wanting to give money away. i'm tired of buying things for my self. i'd rather give it away to make someone else happy. but then i realize that happiness will be wilted away in our culture. someone will say that my gift is not good enough or something better will come along and it will be thrown aside. again, i'm brought back to filling others up with the wrong thing. i want to give love. i want to give neverending, all-encompassing, everlasting love. but i don't have that, remember? but i do have something. i have love that has been given to me. love that lasts forever. the love of the One who died for me. that loved me so much that He would sacriifice Himself for me. even though i am not deserving, selfish, egotistical, self-absorbed. even though i don't appreciate. He still gave His life for me. it breaks my heart that i would forget that amazing but simple truth. JESUS DIED FOR ME. He looked past my flaws and my failures and said, "I love you so much." nothing can ever take that away. and that satisfies me. but i won't stop there. no. not even close. i'm not going to let my selfishness hold me in one place and keep this love for myself. i want to give it away to as many people as i can reach. i want people to know that they are loved. even though they've failed, cheated, lied, hurt. they are loved. we take this fact for granted. we forget and we do things that totally disregard that fact. and yet He still forgives us. every single time. i'm tired of being a complacent, sheltered, safe christian. above all else i want to be a Christ follower. a man who truly loves and follow God and God only. not the ways of the world. i'm tired of living an orange county life. i can't do it. i'm sick of all the commercials, advertisements, celebrities, clothes, shopping. i want to live in a place where people need me. where they aren't soaked up in the tv and computer screens. and then i realize that they need me much as those in the impoverished countries do. they're lost in a sea of clutteredness. whereas those in africa or vietnam or found in a sea of desolation. i want to do what i can here and do what i can there. it's a daunting task. but i'd give up my life for it. i'm tired of thinking in my mind, "if Jesus came into my life right now and told me to leave everything, would i really do it?" i want to think, "if Jesus came into my life right now, i would run as fast as i could after Him." to drop everything and go. i think it's a scary question for anyone who follows God. would you really up and leave your job or school to live for Jesus. many of us would hesitate. i don't want to hesitate. if He called me. i want to bolt right after Him and fall in His arms. i want to get people to that point somehow. and i find myself getting frustrated. why can't they see where i'm coming from? why can't they live their lives for God truly even though they say they do? why aren't their hearts broken but also rejoiced when they see that cross and the sacrifice that was made for them? and i realize. it's not up to me. i can't do anything in my own power. i can't change their hearts. only He can. all i can do is try my best and leave the rest up to God. and one day. we can all rise up as one and say, "This is our God."