seeking and restarting

And I'm back. Another season of dryness, another season of seeking, another season of starting over and re-centering myself. It's really easy to see the cycles of my faith that I go through. I was just reading some older posts on this blog and I was just telling Thuy that I feel almost exactly the same way that I did then now! It's so crazy! But as always, He breaks me down to build me up again, stronger than before, bolder, wiser, more filled up with love! Right now, I'm going through some loneliness. Going to a church plant and feeling a little out of place. There are many reasons why I feel this way but regardless, I've been feeling down and out. And only recently, I've been able to escape a video game console and share with my community group that I'm hurting and lonely. Ive been far away from God and I've been going through the motions, only seeking Him in small moments when it's convenient for me. I had a friend who I've asked to mentor me tell me some things that I didn't want to hear just yesterday. I've been wanting to run away from the situation and start again somewhere else as if my heart will be automatically hanged by the scenery. But it's just not the case. I need to get back to God, back to that passion for Jesus, back to living out love and letting the world know that there is love unfailing and unending waiting for them. Bigger than anything that they're ever experienced before! A love that died and sacrificed itself to save us and bring us close. I'm slowly and painfully trying to rip myself away from bad habits that have formed in the past couple of months. Like getting a teeth cleaning and getting all the slowly-formed plaque scraped off, only more gross haha. I know that my relationships suffer, my mission suffers, everything suffers because my relationship with God is in a crummy situation. Like I've said before in this blog apparently, I don't pour into people as much as I used to, I don't have a love that reaches as much as it used to, I don't have wise words that impacted as much as they used to. Because of fear, I don't dig deep and develop relationships, I don't speak Jesus into people's lives, and nobody benefits, nobody gets closer to Jesus, and God doesn't get glorified. I have some catching up with God to do and I'm going to do so this Monday. Just spending time away from everyone and everything to be able to just seek Him and pray and repent. To simply say that I'm sorry for letting all of these distractions take his place in my life and asking Him to take His rightful place on my heart and my life. No more laziness, no more excuses, no more distractions. This is something that is a matter of eternity and people getting loved the right way. This is the most important thing in my life right now!