His will

now that i'm content with wherever i end up, it's just waiting for confirmations from God. i know i can't drag people along with me, no matter how supportive they are of me and where i'm going. i can't do that when i know that they're not going to be ok. it's a part of the responsibility of being a spiritual leader. i have to put the needs of my loved ones first before my own. if i've received a calling that God has not yet put on people in my family, i can't rip them out of where they are and challenge them when they're not ready. i can't just play the spiritual authority card and have them follow me, kicking and screaming. it's not good then and definitely not good in the long run as their respect for me fades for bringing them somewhere that wasn't placed on their hearts.

asking God to humble my heart. to keep my eyes on Him. to take my eyes off of myself. to put first His kingdom and His will for my life. to put aside what people may think and think about what will bring Him the most glory. wherever He would have me go, to know that He is with me. He is with me and I will not fear. no matter how hard, how grueling, how amazing, how beautiful the journey will turn out to be. i surrender. i want to know Him more.

to remember what Jesus did on the cross for me. where, "though He was God, He did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. instead, He gave up His divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. when He appeared in human form, He humbled Himself in obedience to God and died a criminal's death on a cross." He gave up everything for me. how could i not do the same for Him? to surrender my life. to lay it all down so that people have an opportunity to see Him in my life and enter into a real and living relationship with Jesus Christ.

Your will be done in my life, Lord. take it all from me. because you gave it all first. i gladly and joyfully surrender my life for Your glory, Your cause, Your love!

always

learning now that i need to make a decision. a definitive one. to be a man and choose and stick by what i choose. if it's the wrong one, then it will be revealed to me. God is with me, so what do i have to fear?

i've been thinking through so many scenarios lately. what would happen if i did this? if i went this direction? how would it play out? and i'm brought back to this verse from hebrews. "and let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. we do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith." i need to stop looking at the scenarios. what could or might not happen. and just trust. to walk and trust. hands out, letting God lead. surrendering that He has me and will take care of me each step of the way. refining me and purifying me.

i'm such a big thinker. i think about everything. i think so much that it gets in the way of acting. it gets in the way of committing. it's not always bad. i want to be able to think and say things well. to speak truth in love. to make sure people feel loved and wanted. but lots of times as well, it gets in the way of God receiving glory. it stops me in my tracks. and even though there are times to think long and hard about what i have to say, there are times that i need to just stop thinking and trust. to stop worrying and being anxious and remember that Christ has risen! there is nothing to fear! God is with me, and i have everything that i need! no matter where i go.

i need to remember these truths.

my life is in His hands. my life is for Him. my life is to bring Him glory and share His love with others. God is with me always. always.

2 hours

These last two hours are probably the most excruciating of the past two days. Just being taught to hold on to God. Hold on when everything is going south, there's no end in sight, and there is just pain heaped on pain. Hold on for dear life because He's the only one who sustains me. When I don't get what I want, when nothing is going my way, when my desires are thrown out the window, it's ok, because I have Jesus with me. In my weakness, God's power shines through. I am not a strong man. It's the Holy Spirit in me that has allowed me to get this far.

Day 1

Rid me of myself, I belong to You. I've been praying these words over and over in the past 24 hours. It's been a battle. A painful and eye-opening one. Almost everything that I thought I was doing for God had an ulterior motive that would benefit me. Or any time that I would start trying to think of how I could best serve God, the focus would then turn to me. I've been letting God slowly peel away from me all the lies that I have to put myself first before anything and anyone. Because if I have Jesus, I already have everything that I need! So many half-truths about taking care of myself, worrying about the future, worrying about what people think of me, elevating things that just do not deserve that level of importance in my life.

I've also been drawn back to very basic songs and prayers. Purify my heart, make me as gold, pure gold. Make me white as snow and I will be made whole. Repentance and all-out attack against the lies in my heart have been going on inside of me. Adoration and gratefulness to the Father consume me. Remembrance of how much He loves me and chases after me, forgives me and takes me in, even after all of the running, cowardice, and lying.

God is so good. What could I say? What could I do? But offer this heart completely to Him? In response to the cross and the salvation that I've been given, I want to give everything, everything, everything back. Nothing is mine, and I don't need anything other than Him anymore. My selfishness and pride would tell me otherwise but it's just not the truth. I need to feast on His Word. Be with the Holy Spirit. Be strengthened by Him and Him alone. Sure, other things help, but He is my true source of strength.

This is a broken and desperate man's journal. God, come and fill me up with Your love. Help me to love like You. To point people to You. Use me mightily for Your kingdom. Consume me. Let everything that I am be for Your glory. Jesus, I love you so much. 

And I'm not done yet. One more day to go. I don't know what else God is going to reveal to me. But I'm excited to find out.

Steadfast

Today I'm starting a two-day fast. There is so much inside of me that's been happening the past couple of months and especially this past couple of days. I've been crying uncontrollably and at random times. I've been depressed and lonely. I've been tried and tested. And through all of this, I've only scratched the surface of what's really going on inside of me.

I've been realizing that I've been making all of my decisions by myself and for my benefit. Not for the benefit of others or for the glory of God. God's been revealing to me how selfish and ugly I've been these past few months. Through this time, I've been able to see that every one of my decisions that were made out of selfish motives be turned upside down only by myself and doubted because of my feelings. Because my choices were based on my feelings, they had no real root and no substance. None of my decisions were really rooted out of being connected to Jesus, my true Vine, my Giver of LIfe, my All in All, even if I tricked myself into thinking that they were.

God's been refining me and stripping away all the lies that have been building up in my heart these past few months and it's been incredibly painful. He's bringing me to my knees and I've been coming back to the broken and desperate man that I am. I need Jesus so much. I'm nothing without Him. Without Him, I'm a slave to my sin, my wants, my desires, my fickleness, my wishy-washiness, my feelings. And now I want to be completely surrendered to Jesus again, wherever He would have me go, do, say, I surrender. I want to know Him more. I want to bring Him all the glory.

I've been seeing that glory and fame are my idols, even if they are under-the-surface and I am very good at tricking myself into thinking that I don't have any idols. But I want to fight back. I don't want to be that man. I don't want to be a man that runs away from hardships. I want to face them head-on, knowing that my God is with me always. I want to be steadfast. I want my children to look up to me. I want my wife to have confidence in me. I want my Lord to be pleased.

Lord, have Your way in me. Strip me of my selfishness. Let my chief desires be to know you, to be with you, and to glorify you with all that I am. I surrender. Take my heart again, Lord. Keep it safe in Heaven with You. Protect it from the world. I want to be Yours forever and ever.