Steadfast

Today I'm starting a two-day fast. There is so much inside of me that's been happening the past couple of months and especially this past couple of days. I've been crying uncontrollably and at random times. I've been depressed and lonely. I've been tried and tested. And through all of this, I've only scratched the surface of what's really going on inside of me.

I've been realizing that I've been making all of my decisions by myself and for my benefit. Not for the benefit of others or for the glory of God. God's been revealing to me how selfish and ugly I've been these past few months. Through this time, I've been able to see that every one of my decisions that were made out of selfish motives be turned upside down only by myself and doubted because of my feelings. Because my choices were based on my feelings, they had no real root and no substance. None of my decisions were really rooted out of being connected to Jesus, my true Vine, my Giver of LIfe, my All in All, even if I tricked myself into thinking that they were.

God's been refining me and stripping away all the lies that have been building up in my heart these past few months and it's been incredibly painful. He's bringing me to my knees and I've been coming back to the broken and desperate man that I am. I need Jesus so much. I'm nothing without Him. Without Him, I'm a slave to my sin, my wants, my desires, my fickleness, my wishy-washiness, my feelings. And now I want to be completely surrendered to Jesus again, wherever He would have me go, do, say, I surrender. I want to know Him more. I want to bring Him all the glory.

I've been seeing that glory and fame are my idols, even if they are under-the-surface and I am very good at tricking myself into thinking that I don't have any idols. But I want to fight back. I don't want to be that man. I don't want to be a man that runs away from hardships. I want to face them head-on, knowing that my God is with me always. I want to be steadfast. I want my children to look up to me. I want my wife to have confidence in me. I want my Lord to be pleased.

Lord, have Your way in me. Strip me of my selfishness. Let my chief desires be to know you, to be with you, and to glorify you with all that I am. I surrender. Take my heart again, Lord. Keep it safe in Heaven with You. Protect it from the world. I want to be Yours forever and ever.