haha but i know that it's something huge that God's embedding into me. into my character. the way i talk, play, work, think, love. humility doesn't come easy for me. and God doesn't teach me in a nice way either. most of the time, He smacks me in the back of the head with it. i never expect it, but it comes. it's only fitting that one of my favorite passages is from philippians 2. even though Jesus was the Son of God and even God Himself, He didn't demand or cling on to any special privileges. even though He deserved everything, He lived on barely anything and even went so far as to humble Himself to the level of a servant, a slave. a king who gives up all authority and power and royalty to become a slave for His people. to be mocked and spit on and finally crucified, murdered, tortured publicly. man, if that's not humility, i don't know what is.
and here's me on the other side, getting angry that someone else made me sound stupid. or having my ideas turned down. or not winning an argument. or not getting what i want, the way i want it, when i want it, and it's usually, now, now, now. and i look at this person and i don't want to be him. i don't want this to be the man that people look at and say, "he's nothing like Jesus."
one big way God's been teaching me humility and helping me find my identity in Him is music. He kind of taken music away from me, in a sense. i haven't been really leading worship for a while now. the team that i've been coaching has been stepping up their game and i couldn't be prouder of them. but as a result of that, i end up not leading as much. i'm not known as the worship leader anymore. that identity is kind of stripped away. i'm the guy in the back. kind of the nobody. for a musician, that's not ideal. it's kind of terrible. to not be noticed. to be the second thought. to be the one nobody really knows about or has any knowledge of the work put into a project. it sucks. but as a man who wants to be more like Christ, it's necessary. and at the same time, freeing. freedom from showmanship. freedom from caring so much about what people think. freedom to worship. freedom to grasp humility. freedom to let go of the identity that requires me to perform to earn it. freedom to take hold of the identity that requires nothing of me.
i've always prided myself in being able to sing fairly well. but God wants to take that away from me as well. for the past few times that i have been leading worship for the junior highers, down in san diego and at city lights, something that never really happened to me before occurred. i lost my voice during worship. now i don't know if it's because i haven't been leading worship for big gaps of time or whatever. but i know it's God taking away that pride. having to lead worship with a half a voice is truly humbling, especially right in the middle of a song and for the rest of the set. i feel like it's something that i prayed about a while back. that God would help me not treat leading worship like a show, an act, a performance. i was really struggling with that. i just couldn't understand why i couldn't focus on God when i was leading worship. i feel like God's calling me back to worshipping Him when i'm leading. to stop singing so loud. to stop with the showboating. to find my quiet space with Him. and when i do that, i sing perfectly fine. it was never about impressing people. it was never about how good i was. it's always been about me and Him and what He's gifted me with to glorify Him.
i feel like when i was leading focusing on people, i was singing with half of a voice to Him. and He's been calling me back to sing with a full voice to Him and Him alone. =]
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