i was journaling a couple of days ago about how my relationship with God seems so distant and contrived. i couldn't understand why i felt so alone. i couldn't understand why i didn't feel any different. i thought everything would change when the new year started. i know i prayed for 2010 to be a difficult year so that i could learn to trust Him and be closer to Him. why don't i feel that way? 2011 has started and i feel desperately dissatisfied. i don't like the man that i've been lately. i don't like that i've been impatient, easily flustered, shy, angry, lonely. then i started asking myself. "is this my fault?"
"have i been the one that's been distancing myself from Him, from other people?" and i started realizing that i have been shrinking back from opportunities to dive in deeper with people. i've been shrugging off opportunities to get closer to God. for people, i'm scared of rejection. i'm scared of awkward silences. i'm scared of looking like that christian who always bugs you about your spiritual life. for God, i've been taking Him for granted. i know He's here, so i read a couple of verses in the bible every day and label that as spending my time with God. i don't think reading someone's autobiography every once in a while qualifies as me spending quality time with someone and entering into a deep and meaningful relationship with them. but that's what i've been doing. i've been completely missing out on God and what He wants to do in my life. i've been filling up my time with meaningless junk. i surf the web, watch movies, read gaming news, etc. and i rush through my time with God to do so.
i started asking about where that boy was who was so eager to wake up every morning to spend time with his Father. where is that excitement? where is that enthusiasm to just crack open his Father's love letter to him? i wish i was that boy again. i feel like a cynical old man, doubting everything, forgetting what love is, looking at the downside in everything, no hope, just dread. i hate that. i hate that that's what i've become. even though not a lot of people can see it, i know He sees it. He knows me inside out. He knows that i'm hurting.
and i know that it's definitely spiritual attack that i'm feeling this way. but at the same time, i know i play a part in it as well. i need to be intentional in my relationships with people. i know that's what i used to do. i would drive all the way to someone's house just to spend time with them and let them know that they're on my heart and that i love them. i would ask them how their spiritual lives were and pray over them. i've been turning away those opportunities to mentor and to lead the people that i love because i'm scared of those awkward silences. i'm scared they won't have anything to say. i'm scared i'll look stupid. but as a boy, as that excited kid who just wanted to share his Father's love, i didn't care. i just did it. i was talking to a friend yesterday and realized that i'd rather have people be challenged in their faith and wrestle with hard questions and give me that awkward silence rather than have them skim through life without ever being challenged. i need to get back to that. i just want to get back to being that person who is just so filled up with God's love that i can't contain it any longer. i have to tell someone about it. i have to pour it back into someone else. that's the man that i want to be.
at rock harbor the other night, we were talking about rejoicing. oh, how i have forgotten how to rejoice. not just in the good events, and not even the really bad events, but to give God praise in everything. the little things. in every detail of my life. to not rejoice in the situation, but rejoice that Christ is in the situation. that He is here no matter what. that's a reason to rejoice. remembering that God is good no matter the circumstances. i've forgotten how to do that. i want that again.
and now that i really think about it. praise God! He is so good to me! He's been working on my heart all year! from showing me He was with me when i couldn't feel Him at all at the beginning of this last year. to filling me up as i went to share life with the teenagers and kids down in san diego. to realizing that my relationship with my dad is something that affects me to this day and learning that i have to play an active part in redeeming that along with the Holy Spirit. to learning that it's such a burden and a heavy weight to maintain a facade. it's so much easier when i share my struggles with people and have them help me in it rather than hiding it and being afraid that people find out about the ugly me underneath! things that i couldn't learn on my own! He's been with me all along. hallelujah! He's taught me so many things this past year! so many life lessons. He's given me an amazing community. He's reunited me with my mentor. He's breaking down my relationship with thuy so we can build it up right. there's just so many things to give God praise for!
i'm so sorry, Lord, for ignoring you and pushing you aside. fill me with your love. help me remember how good you are! let me be excited about sharing this love with people again! that's what it's always been about! your love, your love, your love. it's been my driving force all along! these past couple of years. it's always been about how much you love me and me sharing that back to the people around me. that's what i want my life to be about. i want my life to be marked by love!! i want people to see that and give praise back to you! God, fill me with your love! throw out my fears of looking like a cheesy christian! i want to be a passionate christian, not a passive one! someone who is overwhelmed by love and overflowing with love for the people around me. transform my heart again. change me. i know you can! remind me why i'm here on this earth. to glorify you with my life. to glorify you by the way i'm marked by your love. it's so repetitive. it's so cliche. only because it's true. your love is why i'm here and i want to share that with the world!
hallelujah! =]
No comments:
Post a Comment