lazarus

when i laid down to sleep last night, i was writhing in pain. my head felt like it was being attacked by razor blades from the inside out. i woke up this morning, no pain. praise God. i can't believe it. all i remember other than the pain last night was praying over and over again, "God help me!" i was really in a pathetic state. helpless physically and mentally. i couldn't move and i couldn't think. all i could do was pray and hope the pain would go away. i feel a lot better!

last night, the worship team was studying amos. we're learning about God's heart and passion for justice. i wanted everyone to be a part of something bigger than themselves and i think i was maybe kind of forcing it on them. one of my friends reminded me that the motivation should come from the heart and God's tug on them. totally forgot about that! i was putting my own expectations on people and forgot that they should be involved in these projects because they truly feel called to it! i was kind of thrown off by it a little bit but i'm glad that people can put me in check and help me remember the important things. we're learning about justice, but everyone learns at their own pace. we're learning about taking action, but God changes hearts at different times. i'm still learning patience. =]

i've been reading john 11 over and over again. there's something that sticks out. Jesus weeping. we all know this story. about Jesus coming to raise lazarus from the dead and He weeps when they take Him to the tomb. but i want to throw something out that i never really noticed before. yes, for certain He could've been weeping over lazarus' death. this was a friend that He loved dearly and this was a very moving situation, even if Jesus intended to raise him. what i notice is how much this foreshadows Jesus' death. if we look at verse 14 and 15, Jesus actually says that He's glad that He wasn't there when lazarus died. i don't think He was saying that He was happy that He wasn't there when lazarus was on his deathbed, rather He was glad that He wasn't there so that now, He could give them new grounds for believing. none of them understood what He was doing, but He knew all along. when He got there, martha and mary both told Him if He was there earlier, He could have saved lazarus and there came an anger in Him. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to let His friend die. but it was for the purpose of glorifying God. in the midst of doing what He was supposed to do for God and for His disciples, it still hurt.

they kept on saying that He could have done something about it. anything. but He chose not to. He chose to not use His power to save lazarus so that He could show them something. i think there was this sense of impatience in Jesus. the sense that even after all the miracles He had done, His followers still wouldn't believe that He could do anything. nobody really believed that He would raise lazarus.

nobody really believed that Jesus would rise from the dead. when He wept, i don't think He was just weeping over lazarus, i think He might have also been weeping over what was to come for Him as well. there's a connection. He chooses not to use His power to save Himself so that He could take the punishment of the world on Himself. people didn't understand why He didn't just save Himself. why didn't He just hop off the cross or call down the heaven's armies? He could have made all of the people who were hurting Him pay for what they did. He had the power to do so. so why didn't He? it's because He chose not to. for our sake. the sake of the world. for love's sake.

we see Jesus' humanness here in His weeping. we remember in the garden that He would've accepted any other way to glorify God but to go on the cross. it was still extremely painful for Him to let His friend die. now it was His turn. to say goodbye to His friends and His family so that God could be glorified. even though He knew that He was going to rise again, it still hurt.

God, you're so good to us. Jesus, thank you so much for what you did on that cross for me. you took on so much pain for my sake. for the sake of this broken man. thank you.